I'm disappointed. But on the other hand, relieved. I really enjoyed the last two weeks, interacting with grown ups and using my brain/creativity/skills. But the stress of money, the stress of household chores and the stress of not seeing/being there for my babies just didn't make it worth it.
So now I'll only be out of the house one day per week, my little boy will be in daycare on that day and my big kids won't need to go to before/after school care.
On friday and saturday I contemplated what I was going to do, I kept changing my mind. I'm a 'look for signs' kind of person and on Sunday I had a few. Firstly in The Sunday Times was an article about parents needing to make more time for their kids, to not put so much emphasis on material wealth, to be more involved in their schooling.
Then in the liftout magazine was an article on Free Range kids.
Both articles resonated with me because to be the type of parent I want to be, to type of parent I value, I can't achieve if I'm not at home to be with them. I just can't have my cake and eat it too.
Then the deciding factor was the sermon at church. It was the story of Samson and Delilah, but it was the points made by my Pastor that resonated with me. That our strength can also be our weakness. My Pastor spoke about balance, that we all need balance, and he also spoke about failure.
All this was in relation to the Samson story, but I could see the applications in my life at this moment.
So this morning, I dropped my kids off at school. I spoke to my daughters teacher. I held hands with my son as we strolled to the car. I'm sitting on the lounge, cuddling my youngest son, listening to the rain, while he watches Postman Pat and I type on the laptop.
Life may not have taken the direction I had thought it would (looking back on my dreams and hopes), I may be impatient for it to be 'my time', but on the whole I am happy.